"It's just that everything I try to do, nothing seems to turn out right"

"In high school, I thought you were a total bitch, but...you're actually pretty cool."

In 10th grade the volleyball coach wouldn't let me be starting DS the second half of the season because of my "attitude". I had no idea what she was talking about.

"If you don't get that look off your face you're benching it the rest of the game!" This was a phrase I was use to hearing on a weekly basis.

I truly believe I'm just one of those people who was born with a "bitch face". I realize we live in a society where we judge people based off their hairstyle, their clothes, makeup, car, etc., but aren't we suppose to get to know people before we start placing labels? I know I don't bleed sunshine on a regular basis, but I'd like to think that I'm a pretty friendly girl. Sure, I know how to turn on the bitch switch when needed but I generally don't unless; A) You're being really mean to one of my friends, B) You are shitty to me first, or C) I see you as competition in boy situation.

First impressions are bullshit. I hate the phrase "A first impression is everything". Not true. First impressions are either fake as hell or so honest that they come off as something fake anyway. I'm slightly socially awkward. Yeah I have friends and like to go out on the weekends, but I have to admit, I definitely know how to make the "wrong" kind of first impression.

I live within extremes. I'm always too much of this, not enough of that. Never a middle ground. Sometimes I'm too shy, other times I can't even stop my own word vomit. I guess it just depends on how I feel around you. Intuition? I can be shy, quiet and aloof around people I feel intimidated by. If I'm in a group of people who I don't really know and they're all talking about something they saw/did, etc., Im not the type of person to jump in the convo with my two cents. I will most likely daydream, cross my arms and glance awkwardly around the room. I see how this can be misconstrued. My intentions are not to look like a snotty brat. It's just that maybe I think you're a cool person, with interesting things to say, and I'm afraid of opening my mouth because of what you will think of me. I would rather get criticized by something I don't say than something I do say. Too self conscious? Maybe. That's just me.

I hate when people don't like me after only 30 minutes of knowing me. It's not that I feel the need to be loved by everyone, but I'm kind of a complex girl, there's more to me than the half hour you spent across the table from me...lets at least have a real conversation before you decide to not like me for one reason or another. Maybe I'm just being overly-sensitive about this but I can't help but feel hurt when people get the wrong idea.

Maybe I should just start speaking up. If anything, it makes sense mathmatically. Being mute and looking awkward = negative judgement. Talking = friendly = higher chance of looking "normal" = higher probability of making a "good" impression vs. defaulting to hair twirling and floor glancing. Talking > not talking.

As I venture into my late twenties I am coming to terms with the fact that I'm never going to be that charismatic girl. In high school I was nominated for some winter formal thing, but turned it down because of the fear of having to walk all dressed up in front of the entire school. I literally had to go to the principal's office and tell him I didn't want them to call my name over the loudspeaker in the morning announcements. I wasn't trying to be a stuck up princess. I genuinely feared the possibility of criticism from my classmates.

I realize insecurity is not the most desirable or attractive quality. Again...like I said...I live within extremes. I'm shy and awkwardly weird but then blurt out how shy and awkwardly weird I am. There's nothing like self depricavation. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make in a very half-assed, tangential way, is that I don't mean to be such a bitch. My shitty demeanor is not intentional. Next time I side glance at you or smirk as I stir the ice in my drink...take it as a compliment. It means I find you amusing. It means I think you're someone with something intelligent/interesting to say and I just can't think of a damn thing to say because I'm unimpressed with my own dialogue.

And for the record I think my "bitch face" is pretty intimidating. Coach should have let me start more games.