have a heart.

My brain hurts. Today was kind of a crappy Monday. Work was busy and I felt like I needed to be in ten different places all at once. I feel like I don't have the time to finish everything I start. Right when I sat down to write a progress note, someone needed a crisis appointment. Right when my client came in for his service plan appointment, someone needed their medication called in at the pharmacy. I know you're not supposed to take your work home with you...but it's hard not to do when you're a social worker. I truly love helping people; which is why I chose this career path. But, it's so hard to not feel guilty if you can't get everything done in your 8 hour work day. People are waiting on you to get them into a rehab center, to get their medication, a new doctor appointment, call you crying because they can't make their electric bill. Some days it can be really overwhelming. How could I not think about all the things I need to do tomorrow knowing that people are waiting on me? Professionals in behavioral health always say not to feel guilty for what you can't accomplish; if you take it too personal you're on the road to social work burn-out. So far I've lasted one year and I still love my job.

I could not ask for more amazing co-workers. I truly love everyone on my team. We all really pull together when one of us is having a shitty day or needs help. I realize I can be a little high-strung sometimes (something I'm working on) and I appreciate everyone for putting up with my panicked moments. There is a really good energy about the people I work with and I have to say I feel very lucky to be a part of the team. Not to sound cliche, but they are really my second family. I can always count on someone to send me a silly email, leave my favorite doughnut on my desk, or accompany me on a much needed Kombucha run. Small acts of kindness like these brighten some one's day more than you may realize.

The same goes for my clients. Giving someone a bus pass home, or picking up a food box for a hungry family may not seem like such a big deal, but when you see the gratitude on people's faces...it's what really makes my job worthwhile. Sure, not all stories are happy endings, but when you feel appreciated at least once throughout the day, it's a good feeling. I remember when I started my job and got my first hug from a client. It was from a woman who lost her best friend to cancer that day and she needed someone to talk to. By the end of our conversation she thanked me and gave me a big hug. It was really cool. Sometimes a simple thing like listening can really make a big difference in some one's day.

Anyway...not to get all mushy/gushy on you. Just wanted to remind people to be kind to one another. That's all.

Maybe I'd be better at interpretive dance...

It's official. I'm a hermit. For the past week I have avoided nearly all social situations. I'm not quite sure what's gotten into me. Maybe I just needed a break from the scene. Hanging out with friends and mingling with people sounds like fun, but I can't get the energy or motivation to actually do it. Talking and being around people at this point is exhausting to me. Maybe my phone breaking is like some sort of sign that I need this social vacation.

My apologies to those I've been flaky with. I'm usually a pretty reliable friend; if I say I'm going to be somewhere, I'm there. I realize this extreme isolation is a little out of character for me. And to those friends I have hung out with...I'm sorry for being on another planet. I've been way too much in my head lately. Yeah I'm there in the room, half-engaged in the conversation, but I haven't really been there mentally. I know it's obvious I'm off in la la land; staring at the wall. I'm hoping I get out of this slump sometime soon.

Maybe it's the full moon? Whenever I feel like I need some alone time, me and Ge'nene call it "being a Libra." I guess we're known for being social butterflies and then going into periods of hiding. I wish blaming it on the stars was an acceptable excuse. How come Shakira gets to turn into a "she wolf" on a full moon but I can't go on a social hiatus without being a total asshole? Yes...I just compared my life to a Shakira video. See what I mean? My social skills are MORE than lacking these days. I feel like I'm just sorting through a lot of shit in my head lately, and if I were to put myself around other people I may just say/do whatever is on my mind at the time, and then I would be left to deal with the repercussions of my more than awkward actions. Is this making any sense? I can't even form my thoughts into comprehensible sentences.

This avoidant behavior will stop eventually. For now I think it's good for me to disappear for awhile. I'm still on facebook attempting to keep in touch. It's the best I can do right now. All I feel like doing is writing, laying out by the pool and spending time with my family and my puppies. I don't feel pressured to be a certain way around them.

Well I've got a tomato sandwich and some sunshine waiting for me. Hopefully another day under water and under the sun will bring some clarity to my cluttered head.

New hobby: pillow bandit.

"Think of all the fun you had. The finest line divides a night well spent from a waste of time."

There's something about teenage pop-punk that just makes me optimistic. Boys singing with their whiny voices, acoustic guitar, lyrics about growing up and falling for the girl next door. I guess it takes me back to when I was a teenager; listening to songs about young love, making promises, all that corny fairytale shit you realize is a joke when you're older. Sort of makes me want to dig out my old studded belt, dye my hair three different shades, apply a massive amount of eyeliner and watch boys at the skate park. Oh those were the days. Still...all pessimism aside...reminiscing and playing make-believe is still fun sometimes. Which is why today I started my morning off with Acceptance, Anberlin, Cartel and Jimmy Eat World. Instant auditory optimism.

So here I am, sittin' here sippin' on my coffee and regressing back into my carefree adolescence. Although I'm going backwards down memory lane, I feel like I'm finally growing up. These past few weeks have consisted of a lot of self-reflection. I'm all about "turning a new leaf", a revelation, epiphany, whatever the hell you want to call it...I'm there. I've made a conscious decision to put my crazy party days and irresponsibility to rest. My friends and family know I've done some out of control partying and have enough insane stories to write a small book. I've had a lot of good times, and a lot of shitty times. I'm almost 25...time to get my priorities straight. Don't get me wrong, I'm always down to go out and have a good time, but it's time for me to take it down a few decibels. The bar scene is almost always a guaranteed let down anyway. Especially with the college kids back in town. I know I look like I'm 18 but I'm feelin' like an old lady 'round these kids.

Anyway. I'm still goofy, immature at times and completely awkward. I'm not morphing into some serious adult type so don't worry. It's just that I'm finally realizing what I want. I'm done wasting my time on meaninglessness. My early 20's were filled with way too much game playing. I'm ready for something new.

Man, this pop-punk has got me in a cheesy, mushy/romantic mood all the sudden. My apologies for the elated idealism. Fear not, I will soon return from my early 2000's flashback with cynicism in full force. Kitchy lyrics and simple melodies are only tolerable for so long. If I start rocking out to Taking Back Sunday and The Starting Line on a daily basis...someone please knock some sense into me.

P.S. I've totally rediscovered my crush on Jason Vena. Is it horribly tragic that I currently think "So Contagious" is the greatest love anthem of all time? Sort of makes me want to break out my studded belt. Okay...no.

The day I turned into Snow White...and then I threw up.

Today was a good day. It started off with me hurling out my guts into Amy's guest bathroom toilet, but turned out to be alright.

I am very allergic to Greyhounds. I learned that today. I also learned that I am a dog whisperer. Being at Amy's house made me feel like Snow White. You know...when she starts singing and all the forrest creatures gather round her? Yeah. I was totally in that moment. So, although I had an allergy/asthma attack and was dry heaving all night...it was okay because feeling like a Disney Princess was totally worth it. Did I tell you I'm a princess? Well I am.

Do NOT eat the jalapenos in the refrigerator at work. I know...I totally asked for it. Everyone knows that the fridge in the break room is one giant petri dish for bacteria. There are science projects going on in there. Who's Snack Pack is in the door of the fridge on the left? Because I really want to eat it. It's been in there for weeks. Anyway, the jalapenos...BAD idea. Throwing up jalapenos is as painful as it sounds. Never again will I eat food from the fridge that is not mine. Except for the Snack Pack...

3am: "Oh shit, I'm going to be sick". Amy you and Greg have a lovely bathroom. So lovely that I actually slept in your bathtub and could not keep my face out of your toilet. On top of the jalapeno sickness and my allergies, I overdosed on my inhaler and felt like I was having a mini cardiac arrest. Awesome.

BUUUTTT...turned out to be an alright day after all. Work was busy but I felt like I got a few things done. A soy chorizo breakfast burrito made me feel tons better. I got employee of the month which made me smile (I know, I'm cheesy but I get really excited about being employee of the month). My therapy session was good. I love my therapist (got a new guy a few weeks ago and he is awesome...so much better than chicken dinner lady). He's like the older brother I never had. We basically just talk shit about our lives to each other for an hour and a half. He gives me good advise about life in my 20's; money, career, boys, etc.

Being at home with my family is fun. I love my fam. My little bro is all excited about this play he's in (he's a drama kid). It's super cute. He showed me some artwork for the play and played a Beatles song on his guitar. My little bro's gonna be a heartbreaker one day.

Well, me and my sis are on a mission for some Tofutti Cuties and a cruise around Oro Valley. I love spending time with people who know me best.