Intro yo.

Here it is. My first online journal entry (I refuse to refer to these things as "blogs").I guess this is an attempt at a modern-day therapy. I am well aware that posting your journal for the world wide web to see is slightly narcissistic .I debated on whether or not to publicly display my tangential thought process for several reasons. First off it puts you in a vulnerable state. We already live in a society where people put on artificial facades and hide behind their emotional walls; posting your innermost thoughts only exposes you to ridicule and judgment. Well....bring on the salt. Second off, what ever happened to privacy? I remember in grade school I had a diary with a lock on it. In bold purple crayon it read: "Stay the fuck out!" Even as a young girl I understood the importance of privacy (and the importance of the F word which I've grown to love and appreciate very much). Thirdly, I'd like to think of myself as an old fashioned girl. I don't own a microwave. I still check out books at the library. I collect antiques and old trinkets I find at thrift shops and garage sales. Transferring my journal from paper to screen is just me succumbing to another modern-day trend. Damn you new millennium...you've won again. So with the whole technology and convenience aspect aside, why is it that people these days feel the need to online journal? It's not like people fifty years ago wrote in their journals, tore out the pages and posted them around town.

One time at the Portland International Airport, security took me aside and put me in a plexiglass box for twenty minutes. It was right in the middle of baggage check and everyone who walked by stared at me like I was a giant Barbie Doll on display. I felt exposed, embarrassed, laughed at, judged, accused.

Overall, I would say I'm a pretty open person. I don't really believe there is such thing as too much information (or "TMI" as my generation calls it). I'm honest. I'm blunt. I rarely sugar-coat things and often lack a social censor. I'm very impulsive and say what's on my mind. My mother says I never think of consequences, that I would rather just deal with them. I wear my heart on my sleeve and spill my guts to just about anyone. I have few secrets and if you're my friend for the day you will probably know all of them by midnight. Although I am very open with my thoughts, I am very uncomfortable with being in the spotlight. I love being in social situations but become paralyzed if all eyes are on me. I was one of those chatty, social girls in school who morphed into a deer in headlights when she had to give presentations in front of class. I don't like talking in front of crowds. I don't enjoy being on stage.

I'm putting myself in the virtual spotlight. Like I said before, it's my therapy. I already used up the ten free sessions my insurance plan allows. My therapist was an overweight bitch who was always in the middle of some chicken dinner or pasta extravaganza when I came to my appointments. That, and she used outdated therapy techniques from the 80's. No one digs for repressed memories anymore....there is a reason they're repressed you idiot! So my options are to pay someone $50 an hour to pretend to listen to me, or journal my thoughts and post them online using the WiFi I steal from the old guy across the street. I think it's important to sometimes go out of your comfort zone; step outside the box (or...inside the plexiglass box) in order to learn something new about yourself.

So...hi. I'm Crystal.